boundaries & Relational resiliency

(Disclaimer: This post addresses the concept of boundaries within relationships that have enough safety and fortitude to theoretically handle boundaries that are set explicitly. It does not address how to set boundaries in abusive relationships where verbally setting boundaries may increase someone’s risk of being harmed.)

Boundaries have gained a lot of attention over the last few years with the popularization of “armchair psychology”, and perhaps even because of Covid-19 and the real need to ascertain literal, physical boundaries with others. I hear the word “boundaries” thrown around a lot in my work as a therapist and in various social media spheres. I wanted to take a moment to address how boundaries, when misused, can cause a lot of relational harm.

Boundaries are important. They help us set limits so that we can care well for ourselves and those around us. I am a fan of boundaries. But even more important is understanding what boundaries are and what they aren’t. A simple definition, offered by Brene Brown, is that boundaries are “what is okay and what is not okay.”

It’s okay to share about your life with me.

It’s not okay to “dump” on me and then not ask me about my life.

It’s okay for you to express your difference of opinion with me.

It’s not okay to get defensive and escalated when I want to respond.

If you notice, these examples are clear and focused on a particular behaviour. They explicitly point out what is and isn’t okay. When I encounter poor executions of boundary-setting, they usually involve sweeping, black and white statements that do not allow for nuance, they’re often coming from a place of anger (rather than hurt, fear, or sadness), and they can feel disrespectful toward the other party. So, with that in mind, setting a boundary is not:

Blame-filled or accusing statements involving “always/never” language.

Mandating what can and can’t be discussed, or how someone should/shouldn’t behave.

Avoiding someone because of unaddressed tension.

Using controlling language that silences another.

With the cultural encouragement of boundaries and the lack of education on how to set them appropriately, I fear there are relational consequences that are detrimental to our health, individually and socially. I’m afraid we’re losing out on important opportunities to build better communication and conflict resolution skills, and thereby losing out on healthy relationships.

My “hot take” is that boundaries can become a not-so-well-played “trump card”… You feel uncomfortable in any way? Set a boundary. Your peace is not protected? Set a boundary. Please don’t get me wrong, I am all for people becoming more aware of their emotions, the needs associated with those emotions, and then setting boundaries to safeguard themselves. And there are innumerable scenarios in which boundaries, explicitly or implicitly set, are necessary. My concern is that we may be misusing “boundaries” to avoid the hard work of relational repair.

Let’s talk about relational discomfort for a second. You know what I’m talking about… that tough conversation, being vulnerable, confronting an issue, asking for what you need, acknowledging differences, etc. All that nitty gritty stuff that most of us have a natural aversion to.

What I wish more people accepted, is that relational discomfort—whether with a family member, friend, partner, co-worker—is normal. It’s normal! And we can’t go throwing around “boundaries” as an excuse for not doing the relational work required to find a way forward (whether that’s together or a part). Relationships of any kind come with a responsibility to, at times, lean into discomfort. And when we shy away from it, we’re doing a disservice to the relationship and ourselves, and we’re perpetuating the idea that relationships should be easy. Some relationships need to end, but that’s not what I’m talking about here. I’m talking about when one or both people are struggling to use healthy communication and conflict resolution skills to bridge the relational divide.

So, what can you do to improve your relational repair skill set? How can you be better at discerning when/how to set boundaries? So glad you asked.  

Most of us tend to put off these types of “confrontational” conversations because we’re scared. Scared of hurting someone’s feelings, of making it worse, of their response, of losing the relationship, of tension, of being perceived a certain way… scared of feeling uncomfortable.

Let me just take this opportunity to validate your fear (what type of therapist would I be if I didn’t?!). Of course you’re scared! You’re a human being who is wired for connection, and any threat to that need can invoke fear. But guess what else? That fear also says something about you… it says that you care. This is a helpful place to start from… and may even be the perfect opening line for your “tough conversation”…

“I want you to know that I care a lot about this relationship, and I don’t want to jeopardize it, but there are some things that have been bothering me lately. Do you feel open to having a conversation with me?”

Wow, look at you go. Already getting so good at this whole boundary thing.

One more tip for the fear… In the counselling world, we have this phrase, make the implicit, explicit. Or sometimes we refer to it as “immediacy”. Sometimes just putting our fear out on the table and naming it point blank, as vulnerable as it can be, is such a stabilizing first step…

“I’m afraid to bring this up, because _____ (I don’t know how you’ll react, I’m afraid of pushing you away, I’m scared I won’t be able to convey exactly how I feel, etc). But I’m also scared that if I don’t bring this up, nothing will change, and I don’t want that either.”

Leading from a place of vulnerability sets the tone of the conversation. It’s disarming and non-threatening, and makes it “safer” for the other person to engage with what you have to say. We know that humans are wired to mirror what they see, including vulnerability (Google search “mirror neurons” if you want to learn more). Of course, this isn’t always the case, one’s immediate reaction can also be defensiveness (but that’s a post for another day). But there is something contagious about vulnerability, so I encourage you to try to access an emotion underneath anger, such as sadness, fear, or hurt and bring that into the conversation to start.

Now, my whole position here is that I don’t want us perpetuating a culture in which we’ve lost our ability to repair relationships. In order to build and maintain healthy relationships, we have to increase our capacity for discomfort, and this means not always slapping on a “boundary band-aid” in the name of our mental health. Instead it requires some honest introspection: What does / has this relationship mean/t to me? Do I need space, or am I scared to have a conversation? If I say nothing, how will that impact the relationship 6 months / a year from now? What do I really care about here?

I feel I must acknowledge that much of what I lay out here requires a certain degree of trust within the relationship. To brave these conversations, we need a degree of certainty that the other person cares similarly or as much as we do. This is important to consider, but I also challenge you to not let the presence of fear convince you that the other person is not trustworthy. It can be easy to conflate the two. At the end of the day, we all desire connection and relationships in which we are seen and known, if nothing else, you can trust that this is true.